What's in my suitcase?

And who's carrying it?

This post made me think about my own suitcase. What's in there? Guilt, shame, abuse, adultery, lies, addiction, bad choices, hurts and hurting, abandonment, etc, etc, etc. I've always known that I'm carrying around more than I was ever supposed to. Than I was ever meant to. That doesn't mean that the things in my suitcase aren't what make me who I am, or that they can't be used; but that my decision to pick up those things every day is not how I am called to live.

I cannot be the mom, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, and witness I am supposed to be if I am only doing it one-handed.

The basic foundations of my faith dictate that my God created the universe. If I believe that to be true, and I absolutely do, who am I to think that I can handle my suitcase better than He?

When Jesus said "Come to me you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest," He is offering to carry my suitcase. Not just for a while, which is what I find myself thinking. But, no. He is not offering to carry my suitcase for a couple of days, weeks, months, but He is offering to take the burden from me forever.

So, why can't I let go?

It's easier, for sure. Mentally, at least. Easier for me to carry (read: handle) my burdens rather than trust that He will carry them, and me. It's more comfortable to keep one hand on my past while trying to live in the present. To use my suitcase as a shield from whatever may be coming.

This year, I want to really try to let go of my suitcase. To make a real effort to stop lugging that thing around each and every day, so that I can live my life with two hands.

We'll see how that goes...

A crisis of faith?

Maybe.

I don't really know what to call it. All I know for sure is that everything I'm trying to do, or handle, or create, or have, or hope for, or want, or plan, or even just simply think about is crumbling around me.

God is trying to tell me to move out of the way, but how does one go about doing that, exactly?

There is no Christmas tree. There is no money for bills. There is no money for gifts. There is no safety net. There is no one to talk to. There is no venting. There is no help for my son who is trying to find his way at school...and he's choosing the wrong one. There is no time for anything. There is no confidence.

The worst part about all of it is that there are very few feelings about any of it.

I'm pretty sure that getting out of the way doesn't mean give up completely, but what else do I do?

I'm still alive...

Just (still) trying to catch up from surgery, Thanksgiving, almost two weeks off of work, $700 in car repairs, and life in general.

I have some interesting things to talk about in regards to a new study we started in my Sunday small group. Actually, some interesting things to talk about in regards to a new study we started in my Wednesday small group too.

As well as some feelings to sort through since my emergency room visit and the fall out from that. God is so good, yet I am still so lonely.

School will break in another 12 days, I'll have more time for blogging then...

Hard didn't begin to describe it...

Who knew I was prophetic? When I said last week was a hard week, I was only scratching the tip of the iceberg, y'all.

I went to the emergency room Sunday night (Monday morning) around 1am. End up having to have my gall bladder removed on Monday. I'm staying with my parents until I'm more mobile than I am currently.

There are truly so many things about the entire situation to be thankful for, and I'm trying very hard to remember those. But, it's hard, I'll admit.

So...that's what's been going on in my world...

A hard week...

"Hard" doesn't really, truly begin to describe it. School is harder this semester than it has been in any of my previous semesters. I think I'm just getting to that point in my education. I'm also having a very hard time staying focused and on task. I'm not sure why, and I'm especially not sure how to fix it.

TheBoy is having some school issues...and some behavior issues. Not necessarily horrible stuff, but bad enough that it can't be overlooked. Because we've been dealing with that, it's been really hard for me to stay positive about our lives. It just seems like we're always fighting, and that we will always be fighting, and that this is just how things will be forever. Frustrating.

Then there's the loneliness.

LONELINESS. Alone. ALONE. A. Lone.

It's like I have no one to talk to about the big things, and no one to talk to about the little things either.

Like, I'd love to have someone here right now listen to me talk about the very cool small group party we went to yesterday. To tell someone one about the things we saw, and heard, and did. Or, I'd really like to talk to someone about what my future holds and what I want to be when I grow up. I'd really like to have someone to talk to about this really great CD I have been listening to lately. And, I'd really like to have someone to talk to about my schedule and how I can change it up to make more hours in the day.

Oh, and my car broke down. $700 to fix...which I don't have, needless to say.

Do you want the whole story??

KLOVE is doing this promotion right now for some such prize or another. Truth be told, I got distracted by the thoughts and emotions and didn't really hear what the prize was. Basically, they want people to write in about the person who shared Christ with them the first time.

I'm still trying to sort all of that out.

You see, the man who shared Christ with my family the first time was the Baptist preacher here in Small Town, Texas. A man I both admired and respected a great deal. A man who laid the foundation for my salvation and my convictions. A man who led me to Christ, baptized me, taught me most of what I needed, and always had time for a question or twelve. I've never heard anyone preach like he did. He could MOVE you, y'all. And a man who knew Jesus as much as any one person could know Jesus.

But, he was also a man who committed suicide at the beginning of this year.

I wont lie: I've been shaken by it. It's been almost a year, and I'm still trying to work it all out. God's still trying to convince me that it doesn't change a single thing. I'm still trying to figure out how to put trust in people without putting my faith in them, but in God.

I serve a mighty and powerful God. But, I am not mighty, nor powerful. My God sees the end from the beginning. I just see what's happened till now. I'm confused, hurt, and angry. But, I am a child of The King. Of that I have no doubts.

This has been a year of realizing that people are not worthy of my faith. People, no matter how great they are, will always let me down. It's just who they are. They are fallible, flawed sinners just like me. For me to expect people to be above reproach in all areas, at all times, is only setting myself up for disappointment and hurt. People screw up. People hurt. People hurt others. People forget your birthday, or they say rude things, or they sleep with your husband. People are not able to complete anyone. They cannot. They should not. Asking them to isn't fair to them, or to you.

Instead, God will complete me. He has never forgotten me, because he made me. He doesn't get irritated with my faults, because he died for me. He will never hurt me, and He will never let me down, because He loves me. He loves me because He is love.

I'm still working through all the logistics of knowing He will never leave me vs. believing I am worth sticking around for.

I'm pretty sure my story wouldn't win any prizes from KLOVE. Thankfully, whatever they're giving away is less than nothing compared to the prize I've already received.

"This is your new verse..."

and how right she was...

Thank you, Lord, for speaking to me through this dear, sweet woman. I am eternally grateful for both her and for Your words.

"You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth,
and called from its remotest parts
And said to you, 'You are My servant,
I have chosen you and not rejected you.
Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you,
for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, surely I will
help you,
Surely I will uphold you with My
righteous right hand.'" Isaiah 41:9-10